Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) often find themselves navigating complex relationships. Perhaps their own complexity makes that a no-brainer. But the relationship between HSPs and narcissists is particularly complex, even seemingly contradictory. And understanding both personalities is key to developing self-awareness and healthier relationships for both HSPs and narcissists.
What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
The term Highly Sensitive Person was coined by psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron in the 1990’s to describe an until-then little-understood temperament.
HSPs have heightened sensitivity to internal and external stimuli and emotional experiences. They process information deeply, are attuned to their environments, and often experience emotions more intensely than others.
Previous estimates of 15-20% of the population may actually be upwards of 20-30% that fall into this category.
Perhaps the most important factoid of high sensitivity is that it is a neurobiological trait, not a disorder or flaw.
This sensitivity can manifest in various ways, such as:
- Emotional empathy: HSPs often pick up on feelings and emotions of those around them, making them compassionate listeners and friends.
- Overstimulation: They can easily become overwhelmed by noise, crowds, and intense environments.
- Creativity: Many HSPs express themselves through art, music, and writing, using their deep emotional experiences to fuel creativity.
- Intuition: HSPs frequently display strong intuitive abilities, allowing them to read situations and people accurately.
What is a Narcissist?
Narcissism refers to a range of personality traits characterized by grandiosity, selfishness, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. No surprise, given that its namesake from Greek mythology drowned in his own beautiful reflection. You might also find narcissistic people constantly feeling entitled and superior. All of this masks their typical sense of inadequacy.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognized disorder in psychology and is one element of the “dark triad” of related negative personality traits.
People can, however, exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting the full criteria for NPD.
Some of the key characteristics of narcissists include:
- Entitlement: A belief that they deserve special treatment without regard for others’ needs or feelings.
- Manipulative behavior: Narcissists often manipulate others to achieve their goals, sometimes charming or coercing them into alignment.
- Lack of empathy: Narcissists struggle to understand or care about others’ emotions or experiences, which can lead to toxic relationships.
- Self-centeredness: Conversations typically revolve around them, and they may dismiss or belittle others’ experiences.
- Need for admiration: Narcissists crave validation and may become angry or withdrawn when they feel they are not receiving enough attention.
Why Are HSPs Attracted to Narcissists?
The relationship between HSPs and narcissists is a classic example of opposites attracting.
Despite the contrast between high-sensitivity traits and narcissistic behavior, there are a few reasons HSPs may unknowingly attract narcissists:
- Empathy and compassion: Narcissists are often drawn to the emotional depth and empathy of HSPs. HSPs tend to offer support and understanding that narcissists may exploit to satisfy their own emotional needs.
- People-pleasing tendencies: Many HSPs are people-pleasers, often prioritizing the feelings of others over their own. This trait can be appealing to narcissists, who may take advantage of HSPs’ tendency to adjust their behavior to maintain harmony.
- Desire for connection: An HSP’s longing for deep emotional connections can make them vulnerable to narcissists’ initial charm, mistaking manipulation for love.
- Overwhelm and sensitivity: The emotional and environmental overwhelm experienced by HSPs can create a scenario in which they overlook the red flags associated with narcissism.
Boundaries: A Crucial Protection for HSPs
Setting and maintaining boundaries is vital for HSPs, especially when dealing with narcissists. Boundaries help HSPs (and all of us!) protect their emotional wellbeing.
Here are 4 strategies for establishing and maintaining boundaries:
1. Identify your limits:
Understand what makes you uncomfortable and the behaviors you won’t tolerate. Knowing your limits is the first step in enforcing boundaries.
2. Communicate clearly:
HSPs often struggle with confrontation, but it’s essential to communicate your needs assertively. Use clear, direct language. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t like it when you do that,” say, “I need you to stop raising your voice during our conversations.”
3. Stick to your boundaries:
Once you’ve established your boundaries, stand firm. Narcissists may push back, but consistency is key in maintaining your limits.
4. Be prepared for pushback:
Narcissists may react negatively when their manipulative behaviors are challenged. Stand strong and remind yourself that your feelings are valid.
Traits That Can Help HSPs Navigate Relationships with Narcissists
Despite the challenges they may face when interacting with narcissists, HSPs aren’t powerless.
Here are 4 traits and strategies that can empower HSPs when dealing with narcissists:
1. Deep understanding of emotions:
HSPs can leverage their acute emotional awareness to identify unhealthy behaviors early in a relationship. This heightened sensitivity can act as an alarm system, allowing them to recognize manipulation and emotional abuse.
2. Intuition:
Trusting their intuition can help HSPs discern when a relationship may be harmful. Many HSPs have a strong gut feeling about people and situations; paying attention to that inner voice can prevent potential harm.
3. Compassionate assertiveness:
Using their empathetic nature, HSPs can advocate for themselves while remaining compassionate. Assertive communication, paired with empathy, helps them express their needs without alienating others.
4. Support systems:
Surrounding themselves with supportive friends and family members can provide HSPs with perspective and validation when navigating complex relationships with narcissists. These support networks can offer HSPs the encouragement needed to maintain boundaries and advocate for themselves.
Grappling with People-Pleasing
One of the greatest challenges for HSPs dealing with narcissists is people-pleasing, which is rooted in an aversion to conflict.
It’s essential for HSPs to recognize when they’re compromising their own emotional health for others.
Here are 4 strategies to combat people-pleasing tendencies:
1. Prioritize self-care:
HSPs must put themselves first occasionally (and preferably more often). Engaging in activities that recharge and fulfill them – whether spending time alone, enjoying nature, or pursuing hobbies – can help them regain a sense of self.
2. Recognize self-worth:
It’s crucial for HSPs to remember that their feelings and needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. Cultivating self-worth can help diminish the impulse to please others at their own expense.
3. Practice saying no:
It’s challenging for many HSPs, but learning to say no is a vital skill. Start with small refusals to build confidence in setting limits.
4. Therapy and counseling:
Professional help can greatly assist HSPs in overcoming people-pleasing behaviors while learning to assert themselves effectively.
Conclusion
The dynamic between Highly Sensitive People and narcissists can be filled with challenges and emotional turmoil.
By understanding the traits that attract narcissists and embracing strategies that empower their own sensitivity, HSPs can cultivate healthier relationships. Setting boundaries and valuing their own emotions are critical to navigating these often turbulent waters.
With awareness, self-compassion, and the right tools, HSPs can not only protect themselves, but engage in healthier, more fulfilling connections that honor their unique sensitivities.
Dr. Elayne Daniels is a psychologist, consultant, and international coach in the Boston area whose passion is to help people celebrate their High Sensitivity…and shine their light.
